Mixed Emotions, a Ta-ag, and An Overdue Apology.

I've a feeling that this is going to be a long one and a really mixed up and messy one. Just like what I'm feeling right about now.

OK. First of all, I just graduated and it just hit me that this is a major change in my life and the next move I take is going to determine where I'm going.

I'm not going to lie, I'm extreeeeemely freaked out.

I don't know where or how this feeling came about but I feel unwanted. Crazy right?! I know. Psychology friends! Help! Eeek!

This is going to seep into my Tag (by the lovely Sarah and Alexaxaxaxa!) so i'm just going to start it now. 10 random things, facts, habits, or goals about me.

1. I believe in living with passion and love for what you do. But as many have said, that's not going to feed me or give me a place to live.
2. I always have to chew on something when I'm nervous.
3. I absolutely LOVE candy.
4. I like colors! Lots of them! Jumbled together! It makes me happyyyyy :)
5. Sometimes, all i need to get me through a tough day is someone else's smile or laughter.
6. I'm a sucker for teddy bears and flowers (that's the girliest i will ever get)
7. I need assurance but i never ever show it (well, up till now of course! ha!)
8. I love my family and friends more than anything else (except God of course :P), and once you're in the circle (like in Meet The Parents/ Fockers) you'll never ever get out! Muahahahaha!
9. I'm secretly stalking someone else's blog that i found from a friend of a friend's blog. And i really look up to that person despite the fact that I've never met him or talked to him. The blog is kinda guiding my way through some tough times here. Now, THAT is random.
10. I wish that girls can really be swept off their feet by the perfect prince charming and that it will only happen once in a lifetime and it will last forever. That means, no more heartaches in this world! Yay!

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Back to mixed emotions.

I suddenly miss my family a lot a lot right now. BUT I hope I don't have to go home in 3 months.

3 months is the amount of time I have to get my act together before getting forced (not really forced but no other choice because no $$) to leave New York.

Totally do not know where I stand with God right now. I'm not going to lie.

"Do Not Litter! Pick Up Trash As You See It!"

Not knowing where I am with God, leads to the overdue apology. Now, this is getting personal so read if you want, skip if you're bored.

I wrote something to myself today. Not in my regular journal with God because I haven't been doing that in a long time. As i wrote, stuff just spilled out just like it normally does when i write about Him. This really made me think and well.. feel. Don't over think the content as you read. Think of the message. Because this made me realize that this is not the only time i've acted out like that. Hence, the public apology.

“I felt wanted and appreciated. It’s different than what I feel from God because this was something I could grasp. It was such a new thing to me. So new, that sometimes I would work harder for this appreciation. Was it worth it? I don’t think I can ever have the answer to that question.

This is the perfect example of taking God’s love for granted. At the back of my head, I always know that God is always there, He’ll always love me no matter what I do. So, I sin. I knowingly sin, with the thought that He’ll forgive me later. He always does.

I hate myself so much for doing that. If I were Him, I would hate me too. But He never does and that itself makes my heart ache even more. Sometimes, I can just imagine the disappointment in His face, the stabbing pain in His heart when I take His love for granted like that. I’m nailing Jesus to the cross and I’m spitting on His face.Yet He still loves me.

I dare not say I love Him because I feel so unworthy. But I know that that’s not what he wants. He doesn’t want me to run away in shame but to run to Him for comfort.”

So I just want to say, "I'm sorry, God. Thanks for still being there despite everything. Thanks for being my God."

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Enough blogging for one day. Hope you caught my public announcement inside the whole mess up of a post ;)

Sorry about today's emo-ness. Daddy just left NY and i'm alone again :(

Love. Always.